Patty Morini – Page 15 – Riding a new Horse

9.1.09 Chemo Education

We attended an hour of education today at the Cancer Center. It consisted mostly of info about the specific chemo meds that are going to be used (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) and all the possible side effects. I don’t know, but I would imagine listening to all the possible bodily functions that could misfire, might cause your run-o-the-mill Joe/Jane to hurl right there in the conference. But being of sound gut and fairly sound minds, B and I held our breakfast quite well. (B cooked this morning, so there was NO way I was going to give that one up without a fight.) I pinch myself when I think about whether it is really me getting nuclear dyes and sugars injected into my rather virgin system. There are meds for the side effects of the chemo and probably meds for the side effects of the side effects. When I heard that one of the chemo drugs burns if it seeps out of the vein, and that it will make me pee red for 48 hours, I was immediately lifted to the land of Shangri La and attended to internal stimulation for a long slow motion second or two.

Actually our nurse was very knowledgeable about chemo therapy an about my case, which, as you will find out in another entry, was a huge relief to B and I, and actually the norm for this establishment. This image is a purge of all the colors and stuff that might slough from my body in this process.

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I don’t know what to be scared of. This will be my/our experience and unique to us. I plan to draw during the infusion, and have been calling the port-a-cath a port-o-love. The port was inserted about two weeks ago, it’s the round grey thing at the top right of the image below.

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I had visions if small colorful hearts going into my body through the port to round up the disorganized cancer cells. The chemo drugs are agents to help corral the cancer and evict it. The first chemo date is 9/9, Wednesday at 10:30.

Off to Tucson

I found out the biopsy results while B was on a week long trip to Alaska. My surgeon called Friday at 7pm telling me it was breast cancer. I went to A’s softball tourney the next day and flew out to a pleasure/business trip in Arizona at 6:50 am on Sunday. No one but my surgeon and I knew.

The day before I left for Tucson, I decided to write B a letter in spite of the fact that news like this in a letter is pretty lame. He knew I went for a biopsy. His trip home from AK and my travels to AZ had us in a million different time zones…well, ok, not a million but it felt like it because we were in the air at the same time flying to opposite sides of the country. SO I wrote a “here’s what happened while you were gone” letter, with only a paragraph about my health out of 4 juicy pages. Other stuff included the condition of the house, what I was and was not able to keep up with in his absence, what the kids were up to, stuff like that. All I wanted was to hear about his trip with our friends in AK, and now breast cancer was inserted into what we would be talking about when we finally spoke. CRAP.

I left the note on the table with the biggest bag of peanut M & M’s that I could find. I think it was, like, 2 pounds. I was grateful that I was going to Tucson to be with S, but I was going so far away from the people who I wanted to tell the most.

Early thoughts

When breast cancer was confirmed after a biopsy, I immediately thought of a series of mandalas that I drew after I left Alaska. This was 20 years ago at a time when I obviously needed self nurturance.

11-1-1988-150x150 The writing below image 1 suggests that I was feeling pretty vulnerable and needed to take better care of my emotions.

Image 2 was about getting closer to the ground and absorbing earth energy. 11-13-1988-150x150

I am struck by the parallels and differences between then and now. Images 3 and 4 are ones I have reflected on often in the past 20 years, the ‘Me Tree’ (image 4) reflects the strength I feel when I connect to earth and acknowledge spirit.

11-13-1988b-150x150 5-13-89-150x150

Now, 20 years later these 2 images are still so important to me, not because I need to work on patience or self love, but because they capture what I believe are my strengths. Each step I take is deliberate and I have my family by my side. Breast cancer is not just my diagnosis. I have learned in the past month that my family, and those who love me all carry part of this with me. That makes me feel so much less vulnerable than I was 20 years ago in a new state, not knowing anyone. The Me Tree roots have established themselves well.