Month: August 2009

I found out the biopsy results while B was on a week long trip to Alaska.  My surgeon called Friday at 7pm telling me it was breast cancer.  I went to A’s softball tourney the next day and flew out to a pleasure/business trip in Arizona at 6:50 am on Sunday.  No one but my surgeon and I knew.

The day before I left for Tucson, I decided to write B a letter in spite of the fact that news like this in a letter is pretty lame.   He knew I went for a biopsy.  His trip home from AK and my travels to AZ had us in a million different time zones…well, ok, not a million but it felt like it because we were in the air at the same time flying to opposite sides of the country.  SO I wrote a “here’s what happened while you were gone”  letter, with only a paragraph about my health out of 4 juicy pages.  Other stuff included the condition of the house, what I was and was not able to keep up with in his absence, what the kids were up to,  stuff like that.  All I wanted was to hear about his trip with our friends in AK, and now breast cancer was inserted into what we would be talking about when we finally spoke.  CRAP.

I left the note on the table with the biggest bag of peanut M & M’s that I could find.  I think it was, like, 2 pounds.  I was grateful that I was going to Tucson to be with S,  but I was going so far away from the people who I wanted to tell the most.

Off to AK on a business trip.  16 years since my last visit.  This is a really cool trip.  I get to mix business with some pleasure and see some college buddies.

 

I knew something was up, but, not really the degree of seriousness.  “P” and I had back to back business trips, I got home the day she left to a hand written letter:  “So my biopsy showed cancer in one area & suspicion — about another — lymph nodes were hard to poke and results were inconclusive.  I like this doc a lot.  She said, ‘We’ll take care of this’ — and ordered tests (CAT, MRI, Xrays).  Once they ‘stage it’ we will meet and talk about treatment.”

 

So, imagine the hardest kick in the crotch you’ve ever recieved and that is about how the news settles.  I’m completly exhausted from my trip and I’ve got this bomb.  And I’m single parenting — do I tell the kids?  How?  When?

When breast cancer was confirmed after a biopsy, I immediately thought of a series of mandalas that I drew after I left Alaska.  This was 20 years ago at a time when I obviously needed self nurturance.

The writing below image 1 suggests that I was feeling pretty vulnerable and needed to take better care of my emotions.

Image 2 was about getting closer to the ground and absorbing earth energy.

 

I am struck by the parallels and differences between then and now.  Images 3 and 4 are ones I have reflected on often in the past 20 years, the ‘Me Tree’ (image 4) reflects the strength I feel when I connect to earth and acknowledge spirit.

                       

Now, 20 years later these 2 images are still so important to me, not because I need to work on patience or self love, but because they capture what I believe are my strengths.   Each step I take is deliberate and I have my family by my side.  Breast cancer is not just my diagnosis.  I have learned in the past month that my family, and those who love me all carry part of this with me.  That makes me feel so much less vulnerable than I was 20 years ago in a new state, not knowing anyone.   The Me Tree roots have established themselves well.