Month: January 2011

P: As we wind down, we wanted to put our thoughts down about whatever we are thinking on this side of things.  Now that I’m in my flow again, I’m asked quite frequently how this has changed me and us.  A said “It hasn’t really changed us.  We were really lucky to be a good family before and to stay a good family after.”   B says “It can’t not have changed us.  Something to do with a tension or balance between being stronger and at the same time, being aware of the frailty of our lives.” E said “I can’t say no because it’s kind of one of those experiences that you don’t just shrug off.”  I don’t know what to say.  I appreciate the question and do my  best to give the answer time when I’m talking with those interested.  I could probably spend a weekend answering the question.  I think all of the responses above combine how I feel about it all.  I and we were very fortunate to have a foundation of whatever A means when she says “good”ness in our tiny family and our love extensions.  I mean, WOW when I say that the love penetrated the walls of our house and our hearts.  If I feel changed it is so largely because of what we witnessed and received as we were going through it all.  (Please see my last entry which I will eventually post entitled ACTS of KINDNESS.)

When I see my scars, the tiny tatoo markings used to direct the radiation (which I’m seriously considering changing into something more meaningful…),  the rectangle of different colored skin which I put lotion and aloe on every day, my nails which may never fully recover, when I examine my chest wall on the left side and my healthy right breast, when I find myself playing with my curls during a really good day dream; sometimes I indulge in an “oh yea” moment and sometimes I just look at something shiny and move on.

B: P has asked me to de-brief as we wind down this blog. First, I cannot express the depth of my appreciation for the folks who cooked for us, for the folks who gave our kids rides, indeed for all the varieties of generosity that was heaped and poured on us.

For, partners of someone fighting a cancer fight I have some observations about how I should have handled certain things differently. The intensity and focus to keep our lives as “normal” as possible was huge. Indeed, I achieved too much velocity… perhaps, a better metaphor is trying to land a plane on an aircraft carrier. Maybe, it is more accurate that I came in for landing attempts with far too much speed. I’d say that I’ve now crash landed after numerous attempts at more elegant but too fast landings. Partners be aware that a part of you withdraws from the person fighting the disease, particularly as the bad news or complications pile up. After treatment ends it is hard to extend those parts back into the relationship. Nine months was about the point where I did start ripping heads off and shitting down necks. I found myself in customer service situations where poor service was rendered and just about wanting to destroy the organization. For me nine months was my wits end. Find those things that replenish you and do them, but, be very careful in identifying them, be certain they replenish.

We are apparently out of the woods so far as P’s health is concerned the Drs. all give us positive results and optimistic prognosis. And I think I’m going to bank that. It is time for P and I to sort out what a new normal is and I’m glad that we get to do that.

P:  Thank you ALL for keeping the faith and checking this blog, as the entries were posted farther and farther apart.  It really touches me that you kept checking.  Thank you for all your support, encouragement and love.  If you can hang in for another few weeks, you won’t be disappointed.

Since I have not gotten things together yet for my and our final entries, I still have some thoughts to share with you.  I was out for a really cold walk yesterday morning, even my eyebrows froze!  Walking always gets me thinking.  Some things happened this week, like the stars aligning or whatever. 

First I finally got around to listening to a December recording of “Fresh Air” with Terry Gross. She was interviewing Dr. Marisa Weiss, a breast oncologist who was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 2010. I was, at the time, most interested in what she was saying about nutrition.

Then I was sent a link to CaringBridge.com to visit a website for a colleague of mine who was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. He spoke about immediate changes he was making to his diet in his first entry.

THEN on Saturday I was working in the commissary at the ski lodge and I saw someone who I have not seen since last year.  She said “Have you always had curly hair??” and I let her know it was post chemo hair.  She was shocked. I have not verbalized that in a while.

All this got me thinking about how I’ve sort of gotten back into my old saddle almost like the past 18 months never happened. What a crazy feeling that was. I dug out my copy of ANTI CANCER a new way of life and began to re read it.  Back when I was first diagnosed, my chiropractor recommended that I speak to an elder in the field who had his own experience with cancer.  He recommended this book and said if I could not come to see him, this would be the next best thing.   I looked through it, read some and put it away. That happened with a lot of the literature I was given at that time. No energy or concentration to absorb it all I guess.

I decided to run another detox week and spoke with B about my desire to learn more. I indicated that being on a separate eating plan from the rest of my family was not appealing to me and you know what he said? He told me that it wouldn’t hurt any of us to change the way we eat for the health of it. Just what I needed to hear.

The author of the Anti Cancer book is an MD PhD who was doing brain research.  He and his colleagues did scans on their own brains for research purposes. They found a tumor on his brain basically by accident. The book was published in 2008 and he was reporting 14 years cancer free at that time. He did extensive research on the subject and has a list of recommended foods for those who had specific cancers. His premise is basically to strengthen the immune system with the right nutrients to fight off specific types of cancer.  

SO, I’m 2 days into my detox, which is a good way for me to essentially reset my food intake. We have a relatively new market near by which features locally grown and organic produce. I’m going to scoot in there this week to take note of what they have to offer. I usually purchase organic when I can, but I’m feeling like I need to get more consistent, especially with whatever source of protein I choose. This will be somewhat of a financial challenge, but we’ll just have to deal with it.

I wanted to put my thoughts on the subject down.  It’s so easy for me to not look back or remind myself that I had cancer.  While I move on, I want to remain mindful. I don’t want my body to be a good host to cancer cells.  That’s for sure.