Category: Events

I’m fascinated at my willingness to let a man I just met stick 3 to 4 inch needles in my feet, legs, shoulder, and gut.  There really is no hesitation on my part to balance the world of allopathic medicine with a more intuitive and natural approach.  It’s not even a choice.   It feels so balanced as my acupuncturist and herbalist work together to help my body get ready for and tolerate chemotherapy. 

If I saw a porcupine with less than ten quills, I’d think she must have had quite a reason to protect herself.  As I was lying there completely blissed out with about that many needles in my body, I was not exactly sure what I was seeing.  My eyes were closed and the colors green, like springtime growth, and lavendar swirled through my mind.  I have tried to draw it, but have not been able to capture what I was seeing.  

I was alone at this point, and I allowed myself to be distracted and picked my head up to see less than 2 inches of one of those needles sticking out of the center of my belly, about mid way between my navel and sternum.  That meant that more than 2 inches was inside me.  All I said was “WOAH girl.”   And as I was tempted to start looking all around at my quilly self, I let the urge pass and sank back into my spring green and lavender visions.

I left with a very strong feeling that I might choose not to use the pharmacy prophylactically this round.  I’m so curious to first see how my body responds on it’s own and to attend acupuncture on days 2 and 3 of the 14 day chemo cycle.  I want to let the herbs and acupuncture help restore my body’s excellent ability to do it’s job.  I’m not into torturing myself…truly.  I have been encouraged to ‘stay ahead of the nausea’ by P a survivor of 9 years and by the chemo ed nurse.  I am so interested in what I will choose when the time comes.  I’m open to many possibilities as I chose to be when I gave birth to A and E.   My sweet long time friend T reminded me tonight how giving birth puts things into perspective.  I feel blessed to have had that experience.

Going to a cancer center exposes one to a lot of people, with cancer – imagine that.  Sitting in the waiting room is eye opening — sort of.  People seem to be optimists or pessimists, and a few Buddhists.  The disease perhaps has the potential to transform a person, but, more frequently it seems to just pull into relief a person’s pre-disposition — bitter and disillusioned people simply become more so.

I’m reminded of the story of a person, who knew themselves to be impatient to a fault.  But, who spent their entire life acting, pretending to be patient.  Patient with family members, and strangers alike everyone received the same count to 10, a deep breath,  a smile, and start again from the top.  And at that person’s funeral that person was eulogized, celebrated for their patience – which was all an act, a façade.  And so were they a fake, a fraud, or a patient person?

What I learned at ChemoEd:  we have to keep the bathrooms and kitchen even cleaner than we do.  That I will buy soft bristle toothbrushes and hydrogen peroxide for P to gargle with.  Probably I will add Cranberry juice to the shopping lists, just, because it is tough on infections.  Our diet is good and so we just need to keep it up.  Drink a gallon of water a day.  Don’t let the nausea and diarrhea get started.   And that we can’t really predict how P will react to the drugs – just more walking in the dark – but, hair loss and GI distress are fairly routine side effects.  This stuff is just plain toxic, it kills everything and we just hope it kills the bad more than the good.

We attended an hour of education today at the Cancer Center.  It consisted mostly of info about the specific chemo meds that are going to be used (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) and all the possible side effects.   I don’t know, but I would imagine listening to all the possible bodily functions that could misfire, might cause your run-o-the-mill Joe/Jane to hurl right there in the conference.  But being of sound gut and fairly sound minds, B and I held our breakfast quite well. (B  cooked this morning, so there was NO way I was going to give that one up without a fight.)  I pinch myself when I think about whether it is really me getting nuclear dyes and sugars injected into my rather virgin system.  There are meds for the side effects of the chemo and probably meds for the side effects of the side effects.  When I heard that one of the chemo drugs burns if it seeps out of the vein, and that it will make me pee red for 48 hours, I was immediately lifted to the land of Shangri La and attended to internal stimulation for a long slow motion second or two.

Actually our nurse was very knowledgeable about chemo therapy an about my case, which, as you will find out in another entry, was a huge relief to B and I, and actually the norm for this establishment.  This image is a purge of all the colors and stuff that might slough from my body in this process.

I don’t know what to be scared of.  This will be my/our experience and unique to us.  I plan to draw during the infusion, and have been calling the port-a-cath a port-o-love.  The port was inserted about two weeks ago, it’s the round grey thing at the top right of the image below.

I had visions if small colorful hearts going into my body through the port to round up the disorganized cancer cells.  The chemo drugs are agents to help corral the cancer and evict it.  The first chemo date is 9/9, Wednesday at 10:30.